“Why can’t I be beautiful?”

 

      A voice echoes through a dining hall, connecting to a small and cramped living room, with a table decorated with an ornate baroque table cloth almost like a doily. Trimmed with fringe and small pink embroidered flowers on the cloth, the table was furnished with a small antique glass centerpiece that holds random nicknacks, which makes it feel like you’ve stepped back into the 1920’s. Step step step, heels clacked toward this table, sitting on the off-white leather couch revealed that the table contained a blue baby book, adorned with a bear in the middle. Sighing wondrously as they sat down, they looked at the old slightly decrepit chandelier above them, with the  single dangling ornament holding on for dear life.  There was Phoenix Alarie, fixing their hair as they took out the blue book. Flipping through the pages a sense of discomfort took over them as Phoenix pointed to an old photo of themselves, “Why was I so skinny before, but not now? What did I do wrong..” was their first thought, seeing baby pictures of themselves.

    Phoenix sat with their back slouched, brushing their fingers through their layered raven locks, then fixing their bangs. As they kept flipping through their memories encapsulated into a thick book, pages laminated by plastic, Phoenix cringed at the sight of their old self. No matter how hard they tried, their past always came rushing back to them to remind them of the facade they had to put up for their family. Why is this so? Phoenix was non-binary. To the uninitiated, it is a term that is defined as someone that doesn’t identify as a man nor a girl, but identitied outside of the spectrum. Hence, non  and binary. But they’ve only realized this through their later teenage years, before they had to put up a “male” facade for their family. They’ve never felt true acceptance inside themselves when looking at the mirror. Though proud of how far they’ve come in their personal appearance, they never have seen their past as something to be celebrated because of their ability to grow to the person they’ve wanted to be. Their discomfort kept growing and growing as they kept flipping and flipping, until a black goo-like substance began to grow onto them with Phoenix not realizing. What..was that? Gender Dysphoria. Seeing the horrible fade, skinny joggers, and unflattering clothes, they winced with questions. “Was that how people saw me everyday?”, “Why did I walk around like an egg?” Phoenix always made a big deal about their personal image, wanting to look their best when going out and looking back at their younger self whom they so despised. “Who let me walk around like this…” Phoenix scoffed.

Suddenly, the pages started..turning on its own? As if with a mind of its own. It started at a decent speed, until it started accelerating and skimming faster and faster. The black liquid began taking over the antique living room, the off-white walls and furniture began turning black like ink. The little color from the embroidered flowers and nicknacks were slowly engulfed in the sticky substance. It won. 

It took over.

• Gender dysphoria : is a term that describes a sense of unease that a person may have because of a mismatch between their biological sex and their gender identity.

    In short, till this day, no matter how much they’ve worked on themselves, Phoenix still wasn’t satisfied with their self identity. They’ve been battling with this.. demon. For how long? Too long to count, but they’ve never felt it to this extent. Never! They always have to put up with it, concealing their discomfort with a smile and laughing it off. But this time, it was far worse. This battle was rooted in the fact that they’ve always felt uglier than everyone else. 

Males - sharper jaw lines and skinnier bodies, never had that.

Females - small waists and long luscious hair, never had that. 

    Being outside of that spectrum made this fear of being the ugly duckling become worse. They’ve never had a skinny body, long hair, and Phoenix started critiquing themselves at a young age because of the toxic environment their family has created for them. In their household, weight never mattered, at least when they were a toddler. But seemingly out of nowhere, Phoenix was being observed with watchful eyes. Every single detail, every pound gained, they used it against them every chance they got.

Phoenix never felt pretty in their younger years, with the fact they had to force themselves to play a facade, a theatrical character, even. Not only was their weight observed like a lab rat, but even their gender expression was uncomfortably observed. At the age of nine, Phoenix’s family, as if out of nowhere, subjected them to multiple gay jokes. At that age, that term wasn’t even familiar to them, but as they started researching because of how often the jokes were becoming, it hit them. Simply because they were feminine, Phoenix was seen as.. gay? They didn’t even know if they liked the same gender at that time, they just liked dolls and ponies. What was so wrong with that? Apparently, a lot. Everytime these jokes were thrown around or every time Phoenix was called gay, their parents fight or flight suddenly would go off. It was like.. that word was a shotgun trigger? Phoenix would get berated with homophobic fits of rage or lectures, simply for being themselves.

Because of that, the fact that they didn’t want to be a failure when their self confidence has hit an all time low, they suppressed that femininity. But in more recent years, they’ve been doing better. Thanks to the help of the internet and their friends' support, they’ve realized that all of those fits of rage and all those vile jokes about their body never mattered. Though it was tough, they realized that suppressing these feelings would lead to nothing but pain. They’ve taken care of themselves and actually started to mold themselves into the real and unfiltered version of themselves that they always have wanted to love, not some facade to appease their family. But with that self growth, something within them still.. Hurts. It was like a burning sensation in their chest. It stung, it felt like a mass was kept deep down in their body, and it wanted to come out.

    That, that was the gender dysphoria, that was the trauma, the pain, the hatred. All the feelings they’ve suppressed down into the deepest parts of their heart, it has been clawing at their throat to climb out and be freed. Phoenix always have heard of the term “Get it off your chest”, but they worried that if they do, it would’ve manifested and turned into a danger to their friends, like a burden that would’ve drifted Phoenix away from the people they loved dearly. Now, it’s taking over the very living room they were sitting in to get away from their own malicious thoughts. The very place they tried to escape to, so they wouldn’t drown in self hatred, was the place where all of these suppressed feelings began spilling out. The black goo began to cover every nook and cranny like house paint, this was the monster they’ve been fighting for multiple years. Gender Dysphoria, it finally got to them. “N-n-no ! It can’t be! What IS this.” Finally snapping out their sea of thoughts, being so deep in their mind made them start to spew out this goo. After falling into a state of a hypnosis-like state, spiraling down a loop of years of suppressed pain, the pressure became intense. It couldn’t be contained no longer, it spewed out. Soon their own vision faded into nothingness, their breathing became exhilarated whilst they panicked, out of nowhere whispers started to birth from the black inky substance. As they started to fall onto the couch, like they were slowly falling into a nap after a long day while their breathing calmed down, it was like the voices in their head telling Phoenix that they weren’t good enough manifested in this goo too. But as they made out the voices, they passed out..

    Was that it? Did they..succumb to all those years of pain? After fighting this demon, has that very demon overwhelmed Phoenix to the point of..death? Unconsciousness? Maybe a coma. Was this the end of their journey? But no. It can’t be, NO! They weren’t willing to lose after years of fighting, they were stronger than this. Drip, drip, drip

    The sound of  a slimy substance dripped onto the floor, Phoenix, though feeling that their body was weak, opened their eyes shakily. It was all black, the only light source was..huh? Colorful lights? What was this? Some type of demented circus? They couldn’t believe what they were seeing. After thinking they’ve went into a coma, still believing that theory, the first thing they see is a Funhouse? Was this some type of sick prank? Why was this funhouse in a world filled with nothing but black inky goo. No sky, no lights, no grass, JUST a void of slime. In this void was some random funhouse, they stood up and checked if they were dreaming. They had to be. Phoenix pinched themselves and to no surprise, it felt like an ant pinched them. “Youch. I guess I’m not dreaming huh..” the teen said, grunting and rolling their eyes. What even was this? Was this their afterlife? Hopefully not, with a step of a leg and a breath from a shaky lung and adrenaline pumping through their body, Phoenix came towards the funhouse and read out the sign, the name up in neon lights. “Mirage Marvel”. “Excuse me?..what type of hippie funhouse is this. Mirage Marvel.” Phoenix scuffed and giggled, what a silly name for a simple ol’ funhouse. It wasn’t big, but it was bright and overwhelming. “What unicorn vomited all over this sad excuse for a “funhouse”, Jesus.” Belittling the colorful building once more, they thought about the name of the funhouse stuck with them until they entered the entrance of the funhouse. It was quite the harsh contrast, waking up in this dark and cold slimey void, to this colorful and overly bright vessel for little kids to laugh.

    “What the- when I thought it couldn’t get brighter, it just did! Someone should turn these down.. no wonder there’s no visitors.” Phoenix hovered their hand over their eyes to shield themselves from the light, the lights were quite an unpleasant scene for someone who just woke up thinking they died. They continued to walk in, the lights started to dim down as it got darker down the hallway, then *THUD THUD THUD* lights turned on in pairs, one by one they illuminated the previously dark hallway. Phoenix wished it stayed a little dimmer, wanting to have a few minutes to cope with that light show they just experienced at the entrance. Suddenly, the seemingly abandoned hallway was adorned with mirrors. They raised an eyebrow, a word wanted to come out of their mouth but they seemed speechless from the sudden appearance of these mirrors. Phoenix touched one, as the teens face was met with a smile. “Are these?..they are!” They giggled as they realized it was their favorite gimmick from funhouses, the mirrors! They distorted Phoenix’s reflection to make them look almost like a balloon half deflated, with a wolfcut wig on top of it. This caused the teen to giggle, maybe this purgatory like place wasn’t as bad as it seemed. Now with a smile and without the uneasy thoughts in their mind, they were able to go through the funhouse a little less uneasy. “Huh…these..mirrors doesn’t really end do they? Well, maybe it’s a maze.” The mirrors seemed endless, though funny,  the maze like aspect of this funhouse made them feel slightly anxious. It can’t be. They can’t be stuck in this hallway of funhouse mirrors for eternity, they wouldn’t accept it. As Phoenix got deeper into the endless corridor of mirrors, they looked into the mirrors and stopped in their tracks. One of them suddenly fully changed their appearance, they were..skinny? With a middle part and thick golden locks.

    “Wow! Whoever payed for this purgatory obviously had budget, they really change..your appearance.” Phoenix touched the mirror, for once they didn’t pick about anything they disliked about their face or their body. They were..perfect. “Wow..” they were still a little speechless and continued to walk down the hallway, they can’t just stand there admiring their reflection if they stood there like a clueless Chihuahua.  As they started to get deeper, past the mirror that made them perfect, the reflections started looking..a little off. The first few, they were okay, after the mirror that made them blonde it was turning a little less pretty. Shorter hair, a bigger stomach, even one turning them into what seemed like a jock. None made them EXTREMELY uneasy or uncomfortable, but they still moved on. Phoenix wanted to get out of whatever vegetative state this was, but with every mirror they passed, it seemed like it was mocking them. The reflections started to get more vile and vile, a pimple made bigger to highlight it, their stomach turned into the size of a hot air balloon, their hair cut short into a fade. “What the actual HELL! I didn’t DIE to get harassed, where even is this exit. I feel like I’ve been walking for hours.” Every mirror started getting worse, with that whispers began to emerge out of nowhere, with black figures getting closer and closer to them in every reflection. It..it MOCKED them. “FATTY!” “You’ll always look like a man.” “You’re not good enough! Look at that skin! How comedic!”…what was this? An illusion? Was this hell? Phoenix was confused, and overwhelmed. They felt close to tears but managed to pull themselves together as they were sick of these shenanigans.

    The whispers began getting louder and louder, every reflection getting worse. Every reflection began to distort them to EVERY. SINGLE. THING. They hated about themselves. Phoenix began to feel extremely uneasy, was this whole funhouse just to mock them? To lower their self esteem. “WHOEVER IS DOING THIS. WHAT..WHATEVER YOU ARE! YOU GOT ME! YOU WANT ME TO BE HURT? SCARED? YOU GOT IT! STOP IT. PLEASE. What do you WANT from me.” They pleaded and screamed, feeling hopeless and helpless. Never have they ever felt so overwhelmed with multiple emotions at once, at this point they were sobbing uncontrollably. They were so uncomfortable that they held themselves, some mirrors made Phoenix’s reflection a full on pig, some making them just a plain monster of globs of skin. Soon enough they picked up the pace no longer wanting to see these horrid and vile reflections no more. Phoenix started speed walking, that speed walking turned to sprinting, sprinting turned into a full on RUN. It felt like they were running a marathon. Soon the reflections halted, the mirrors were gone. “I-I-is it over?..please say I’m close to being out.” They said completely shook up, but then the sound of mirrors cracking echoed through the halls. They were confused, maybe it’s the funhouse finally disappearing like those movies. But it got closer and closer, in the distance, a wall of mirrors SPEEDED towards them. Phoenix looked, the reflections and black figures were reaching out for them. “WH- WHAT THE HELL!” They started running, looking down on the ground and forward to make sure they wouldn’t trip. They didn’t want to look back, Phoenix didn’t want to see how close those mirrors were, as long as they know the beasts aren’t on their tail. They huffed, and huffed, and huffed till BAM  Phoenix tripped. They looked back, the mirrors were so close and they screamed out of nothing but pure exhaustion and fear. They crawled up into a ball and accepted their fate. It was over. Their journey..was done.

Phoenix sat in silence for a few good minutes, where was that white light that everyone talks about? The light at the end of the tunnel that’s supposed to be the teleport to heaven? Phoenix built up the courage to peak their eyes open, what if it was all a trick to scare them once more. They creaked their index and middle finger open, and looked through it, the hallway was now..abandoned? “Huh?..” Phoenix was confused, they were just in a high speed chance, and now suddenly safe? “What was that all about…I guess..i-it’s over now..” they shakily stood up and took a deep breath as they dusted off their knees. It was finally done. What ever challenge or trial that was, they finally finished it. Though still shocked, they took a breath of relief and then realized one final mirror was at the end of the hallway. At this point, Phoenix was fed up. “Oh, to heck with it, what’s done is done. I’ve been through it all, just one more. Nothing that maze of terror hasn’t prepared me for.” Phoenix, in a state of fear somehow made themself laugh. They quickly walked up to the mirror and looked into the mirror. “Oh. Maybe the illusions aren’t over. The Mirage Marvel goes on again huh? I guess that explains the name.” They touched the mirror, then realized..this mirror wasn’t tainted. The other mirrors had a hue of pink..this was completely chrome. This was just a mirror. After ALL those tears and fears, they..they saw a beauty looking right back at them? It was just them. No filter, no makeup, raw and unfiltered Phoenix Alarie. “W-wow?..I’m..” they were speechless, after all of those terrifying reflections they finally stood infront of this mirror, liking what they saw. “This..this is what was looking back at me all the time..” the mirror glowed white as they smiled, fading into unconsciousness once again. Now being in the real world, they looked around, and shut the book for good. 

 

“I..I am beautiful.”